When You Can't Write 100 Words

I know I’m not the only one that battles self-judgment. In the author space right now, there are numerous people doing exactly what I’m doing, and they are 100 times better at it than I am. They know more tools, they’ve been around the author space longer, they have more books behind their belts. And that’s ok. I’m not them. But I struggle, like so many others, to just sit down and do “the thing”.

Everyone right now is talking about AI, Amazon ads, or turning your book into a best seller. But what about those of us who can’t even sit down to right 100 words, or can’t focus on the one thing that would get us to the finish line? What if we can’t even get started?

I’m right there with you.

The Year I Didn’t Plan For

It’s always hard to be vulnerable because not only do I judge myself, but others judge me and then I pile more judgments on top of that. It’s like a big slice of judgement pie and it doesn’t taste very good.

But let’s just say it’s been a year. Last November, I separated from my husband, moved into a tiny bedroom, filed for divorce, put up with stuff no one will ever know. Eventually after court hearings and mediations, I got a job and moved out. I got fired for crying too much at work. I left my dogs behind. I left my house and moved across the border back to Minnesota. I closed down Michelle Buck Books in the process and now I’m building it again. I left 27 years of a life I knew and felt responsible for all the pieces that broke in the process.

Now it’s September—wow, how did I get here? I feel like my entire summer evaporated and I’m just now starting to slowly come up for air. I’m still not sure what I’m doing some days, but I’m here.

And in the middle of all the rebuilding, I’ve been hard on myself.

I feel like I should be further along in my healing.

I left a bad situation and I’m still unhappy.

I wonder how I think I can be good at anything when I just got fired.

I used to be able to run circles around everyone—I was the ultimate efficient go-getter and now I can barely pull myself up to type on this computer right now.

We just aren’t meant to run on full steam our entire lives and instead of accepting that, I belittle myself for it.

Visiting my dog, Milo. I miss him.

Let’s Attach a Label - CPTSD, Trauma, Burnout?

I have been in therapy now since June. And it’s been the hardest thing I’ve done.

Not only am I dealing with my marriage trauma (emotional abuse, neglect) but I have a lifetime of it. It could be C-PTSD or Trauma, sure.

But it’s all a nervous system that has decided to just shut down. Growing up not ever being heard, loved, or cared for and then stepping into a marriage that I thought was loving and kind, then getting rejected for 27 years — well that’s enough to burn the brightest bulb out.

And along the way, people have said some pretty nasty things to me. And I’ve internalized them and find myself repeating them when things are hard. And now I’m in chronic burnout and judging myself for having to slow way down, be alone more often, remove myself from people for a while.

And maybe you have a version of this too. Maybe it’s not divorce and childhood trauma, but you’re stressed and beating yourself up. We all have a habit of zeroing in on what we can’t do and then comparing ourselves to those who are crushing it. We beat ourselves up for not living up to someone else’s standards.

Sometimes we just need a reality check. Let’s zero in on things that actually move the needle when it comes to burnout and motivation.

So ok, what can you control?

Let’s start with sleep.

This is the hard one for me — I have insomnia and wake up what feels like 500 times a night, brain fixating on whatever feels unsafe or unresolved. A few things that have genuinely helped: magnesium with L-theanine, herbal bedtime teas, and — probably the biggest one — just getting on a consistent schedule. Same bedtime routine, same wake-up time, as much as I can manage. (Obviously talk to your own doctor before trying supplements — I'm not one.)

Then, ground yourself.

When you're in that frozen, wired-up state, engaging your five senses can help pull you out of it. For me that's opening a window, sitting on the patio, feeling a breeze, listening to birds. I'm not up for a walk or a crowd right now, and that's fine — you do what you can handle, not what you think you should be able to handle. There's actually a whole practice around this called ecotherapy — using nature and your environment to calm your nervous system. Worth looking into.

Reducing stimulation, not adding more.

Everyone always says, "listen to music!" but for me, music actually amps my nervous system up more, unless it's instrumental. What's worked instead is the opposite — dimming the lights, sitting in quiet, letting myself be a little bored and under stimulated on purpose. A warm bath with Epsom salts, an essential oil diffuser, a little water fountain my daughter thrifted for me because she knows I love nature — small, quiet sensory anchors.

Create. Create. Create.

This has been huge for me. Even when it's ugly, even when it's not "for" anything, making art helps me process emotions I couldn't access any other way. For a while I was just numb — couldn't feel much of anything. Then something cracked that open, and now I'm crying more days than not. I’m angry sometimes. Feelings aren’t good or bad - they are just neutral but getting them out is an important first step.

The Judgement Spiral (And How to Stop It)

I got mad at my therapist which I’m told is pretty normal. He told me when I’m mad to tell him to STFU. For some reason I find that so hard to do. It’s easier to blame myself for having an emotion than to tell him off.

Affirmations have never truly helped me. I know a lot of people use them, or they use tapping and then say good things about themselves. I want to punch a mother when someone tells me to do that because I don’t believe what I’m saying to myself. It feels fake.

But something my therapist helped me with is curiosity. We are going to judge ourselves but maybe, if you notice you are doing it, stop. Then get curious about it.

Again, feelings are neutral, but they are signals to something, so what’s that about?

Here’s an example of something that happened to me yesterday that I journaled about.

A neighbor came over with her dog and introduced herself. She told me she was divorced and mentioned she’s moving out in October. Immediately I felt this sadness rush over me. She talked about her boyfriend and her job and that feeling stayed with me. After our conversation, I started to judge the feeling. What’s wrong with me? Why am I feeling like this? And then realized it was a judgment.

Having struggled with a fear of rejection, I wondered if that was what I was feeling. I thought no. I don’t think it is. I have no attachment to this woman. But what I ended up landing on is this feeling like everyone else, the world, everyone I know is moving on. They are focused on their goals and plans, making life changes, going somewhere. She’s moving out, moving on — got divorced and now in a relationship. I’m sitting here overthinking my overthinking and going nowhere. I’m hiding in my house, staying away from people for now, trying not to disrupt my fragile existence. And the world is moving on without me. That’s how it feels.

And if I really dig into those feelings, I can pick it apart. Who told me I had to be somewhere other than where I am? What’s wrong with where I’m at? What would it take for me to accept that healing is “going somewhere” and will benefit me in the long run?

In a sense, you start to turn the most negative judgments about yourself into a path of empathy. If you can use curiosity and wonder to get to the heart of it, then you can also support yourself with the truth.

Who told me I had to be healed? Oh, just about every idiot on the internet that talks about divorce says that if you leave abuse, you’ll be so much better. That’s not actually true. You’ll feel so much worse but it’s part of the process of healing. So instead of comparing myself to that noise, I can rest in the fact that I’m exactly where I should be. And that’s a huge shift from judging myself.

What Does This Have to do With Authors?

But let’s bring it back to you, authors. What are you judging yourself for?

If you can’t get to the 100 words today, that’s ok.

If you are struggling to just begin, that’s ok.

I know everyone says just do A B C D and you’ll get there. But I’m saying, maybe, take a minute and explore what’s going on underneath.

Start noticing when you’re judging yourself. Start noticing when you actually need more sleep, more quiet, more grace. Ask yourself what you actually need to feel human today — not what the algorithm or the hustle-culture author-bro corner of the internet says you should be doing.

Wherever you’re at — whatever niche you write in, whatever life detonated around you this year — you will find yourself burned out and stressed at some point. That’s not a personal failing. That’s just being a person.

Be okay with yourself. I’m working on it too.

Originally posted on Substack. Subscribe for free.

I’m Michelle Buck, author and interior book designer. You can find me at michellebuckbooks.com. I design non-fiction books for coaches, entrepreneurs, and professionals that want to stand out in their niche.